E10 The Unlock Moment: Lauren Parsons – Finding Confidence

Gary Crotaz 0:02
My name’s Dr. Gary Crotaz. And I’m a coach and author of The IDEA Mindset, a book about how to figure out what you want, and how to get it. The Unlock Moment is that flash of remarkable clarity, when you suddenly know the right path ahead. When I’m in conversation with my coaching clients, these are the breakthroughs that are so profound, that they remember vividly where they were, who they were with, what they were thinking, when their Unlock Moment happened. In this podcast, I’ll be meeting and learning about people who have accomplished great things, or brought about significant change in their life, and you’ll be meeting them with me. We’ll be finding out what inspired them, how they got through the hard times, and what they learned along the way that they can share with you. Thank you for joining me on this podcast to hear all about another Unlock Moment. Hello dear listener, and welcome to another episode of The Unlock Moment podcast. Coming to you all the way from New Zealand today, Lauren Parsons is an award-winning wellbeing specialist who believes that everyone deserves to thrive. She and I met a while back when I recorded with her on the Thrive TV Show, and I was really keen that she bring her particular brand of positive and healthy mindset to The Unlock Moment. Health and wellbeing is a big part of my own background in both medicine and dance. Lauren is passionate about equipping and inspiring people to truly boost their health and happiness. With over 20 years’ experience in the health and wellbeing profession, she is a sought-after speaker, coach and consultant who helps busy leaders find the sweet-spot between boosting wellbeing and productivity. Lauren is a TEDx speaker, the author of Real Food Less Fuss and Seven Myths To Overcome, the founder of the Snack on Exercise movement, an Emotional Culture Deck-certified practitioner and host of the Thrive TV Show. Lauren specialises in helping organisations create a high energy peak performance team culture where people thrive. Based in the Manawatu, New Zealand where she lives with her husband and three children, she can often be found hosting dinner parties, playing board games, or spending time in the beautiful New Zealand outdoors. Lauren, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to The Unlock Moment.

Lauren Parsons 2:22
Oh, kia ora Gary, thank you so much! It’s lovely to be here.

Gary Crotaz 2:26
I’m so excited that you could join today. So start out with telling us a little bit about your story. We talked a little bit before we started recording about your upbringing and how that formed something of, of the person you turned into as you developed through your career.

Lauren Parsons 2:41
Yes, indeed. Yeah. And I quite openly share the story that, when I was at school, I was always the shy un-sporty kid. And I can recall spending the year in physique class and I was really scared of physique class. And I can recall my sports teacher just saying, Hey, you guys, you two, just pick people for this next team game. And so I’m standing here, and my classmates are saying, Oh I’ll pick you. And I’ll pick you. And I’ll pick you, and I want you, and I want you, and I want you, and pointing to all my classmates. And so I’m here just the last one left standing, just wishing. Yeah, just wishing that in this moment, somehow the ground could swallow me up, because all I want to do is cry. And I don’t want anyone to see that. And so that just played itself out over and over and over again. And as a young person, I really lacked confidence in myself, especially physically. But somehow when I, somehow someone came to school and talked about going on exchange, and I went to a meeting. And before I knew it, I was winging my way over to Paris, France, where I lived for a year exchange, which was a wonderful year, and I had an amazing time and a lovely, incredible host family who were like family. But I came back to New Zealand after that. And then I went to university. And just like everyone else, I joined the gym. Maybe because it was only $20 for you know, the entire year. And really, I was just a sheep and I just followed everyone and joined the gym. But I was really intimidated by the gym. And I can recall walking in Gary to this bright, shiny reception. And through the way there was this big entrance into the sports hall. And there were these people in there with these bars on their shoulders. You might have seen them, with this circular things at the end, and they were doing these movements up and down. And I didn’t even know what it was called. But I can recall thinking to myself, I could never do that. I literally thought, Lauren, I could never do that. And I’d go and instead just go and hide at the circuit room and do little exercises there which again, I didn’t know what they were called. But I was really intimidated in that environment.

Gary Crotaz 4:54
And you were shy in sports. You were shy outside of sports as well. You were kind of a, more introvert?

Lauren Parsons 5:00
Yes, I was, yeah, people used to tell me that I was shy. And I realise now when I look back, I think I just started believing it. And I’ve really noticed that now when other adults say that about my own children, you know, because I think it’s actually really natural when you meet people for the first time when you’re in a new environment, you know, you stick close to your parents, or you just observe for a bit, I think that’s actually entirely normal. And it’s interesting hearing other adults, for example, say, Oh, they’re shy are they? And it kind of gets to me because I think, Oh, don’t give them that label! Because I realised No, I’m not shy at all. I’m actually really extroverted, and I love being with people. But yes, I really lacked confidence.

Gary Crotaz 5:42
It’s interesting. And, you know, we talked in the introduction about some of the things that you’ve done, you know, you’ve stood on the TEDx stage, and given a talk, which is up on YouTube, if people want to go find it, and, you know, to equate that with that really shy kid at school is very interesting. So one of the questions I was interested to dig into is, you know, it, was that a transition in your confidence over time, or was it sort of unlocking something, some confidence that was always there, but kind of suppressed when you were younger, do you think?

Lauren Parsons 6:16
Oh, that’s a great reflective question, Gary. Yeah, for me, I think part of it is a gradual thing. But there was really this one moment that I guess unlocked it all in terms of, when I was at university, a friend dragged me along to a step aerobics class at the gym there. And while I didn’t get all the moves right, I found that actually it could be fun. So I went back and after I went back a few times, they said, If you want to be an instructor, just come and see us afterwards. So I did. And it still kind of surprises me. But I remember a friend had planted the seed as well, she said to me, Wouldn’t it be great to be an instructor and then you would get paid to get fit. And I remember just taking that away thinking, Oh, that would be good. So anyhow, I went along to the instructor training programme, and somehow this shy un-sporty kid turned into an aerobics instructor. And I discovered only at that time that I actually had enough rhythm to do the choreography. So you know, that was a bonus! But I also discovered two other things. One I discovered there was someone that believed in me, and that was Amy, my boss at the time. And you’ll know this, Gary, the power, just incredible, that power that someone has when they believe in another human being, you know, that really is life changing. But perhaps most of all the third thing was that I discovered I was capable of more than I first imagined. And I believe, Gary, that this is true for all of us. So you know, everyone listening in right now, you are capable of so much more than you imagine. And that was really, I guess, what I discovered through that journey, and very soon after Amy actually left, and they needed someone to fill in that leadership role, and so they said, Hey, Lauren, do you want to be the temporary aerobics manager? So suddenly I was leading the team! And a few months later, they said, Actually, you do a pretty good job at that, you can just carry on. And so that launched me into working in health and wellbeing and becoming really passionate about helping others to boost their confidence and their wellbeing through discovering the power of movement.

Gary Crotaz 8:18
There’s two steps in there that I really want to understand more, because of the two, there’s two steps I can’t quite get my head around yet. The first one is the moment when somebody said, Why don’t you come with me to a step aerobics class? And you going, Yes. So what was it in that first moment that made you go, I’m going to go to my first step aerobics class, when, you know, up to that point, maybe it was something that, that you wouldn’t have thought of doing before, you wouldn’t be confident to go do before? What was it that got you through the door on that first class you did?

Lauren Parsons 8:49
Literally, it was having that friend to take me along. And I think it was probably one of those things when I’d looked in before, it was probably something that to be honest, I felt like, Oh, I’d like to be able do that. But it was, Oh no, I couldn’t do that. I could never, you know, keep in time or, just honestly, everyone, when you look into those, the room, they just look so professional, and they know how it all works, and they know where their gear goes. So that was just probably a desire, but didn’t have the confidence. So just having that friend that said, Hey, come on, let’s give this a go, over time, I discovered that actually I could belong in that space. And I think that’s, I think belonging’s a really key thing. You know, I focus on workplace wellness now. And one of the things that I often talk to leaders about is how do we create this really amazing sense of belonging, so that people feel totally connected then with the colleagues and you know, what we call high psychological safety, like a high trust environment where they just feel safe and they can just focus on doing their best work. So yeah, I guess I discovered this new sense of belonging among this tribe of people that go to fitness classes, but it was really a friend that started it.

Gary Crotaz 9:55
Okay, so I, so I see you in the room, you know amongst all these other people, and as you say, belonging in this tribe, which is great. Then somebody says to you, why don’t you stand at the front and hold the microphone and lead the class and you went, That sounds like quite a good idea! So what was the what was the trigger that made you go, I want to come out, I’m even comfortable to come out of this kind of group of people and stand at the front with with the microphone. That’s quite a big deal.

Lauren Parsons 10:23
To be honest it does still surprise me, Gary, I just, I look back and I think, How did I ever do that? And I can remember, after doing the instructor training course, I sort of realised through that time, you know, you’re somewhat comparing yourself to the others was, there was probably about eight of us doing it, and as we’re learning different things, I actually realised, see I was always good at maths at school, and aerobics is all about fours and eights and sixteens. And we were creating choreography, because it was freestyle choreography back then, so it’s very old school. You know, when it was called aerobics, now it’s called group exercise or group fitness. So yeah, I, it was interesting going through that process and discovering, Actually, I can do this. But it still surprises me. And also, after I did the course, and I actually had to start teaching in front, I can remember my stomach would be churning. And I’d walk up there and just plaster a smile on but I was, you know, literally just so nervous underneath. But then over time, as Amy Cuddy says in her TED talk, she says, Fake it till you become it. So not kind of just fake it till you make it, try and be false, but just do the things that you know you want to be able to do, and over time, you get better at them. And then you really, truly will be a great aerobics instructor, or, you know, fill in the blank, whatever it is that you aspire to be.

Gary Crotaz 11:39
You made me think of a memory that has just sort of come popping out of my sort of deepest, darkest history, which I’ve never talked about on a podcast, I didn’t write about in in my book, was, when I was at school, I was doing debating and public speaking, in like the school clubs, and nothing in any sort of great level. But I had this particular teacher who was leading that kind of programme. And I remember that I was giving my little monologue up on stage with about I don’t know six people in the hall, you know, just a little group of kids. And he said, You need to intonate more clearly and be more interesting in your tone. So now I’d like you to sing your speech, from the stage! To no particular tune, just whatever comes into your mind. And I remember, that was a breakthrough moment for me that I’ve never felt more uncertain and nervous about speaking in front of an audience than that moment on stage where I had to sing my speech to six, I don’t know, 15 year olds or whatever we all were at the time. But it’s quite interesting that those sort of formative experiences later, later on in life, you can find yourself in front of 1,000 people or something. And actually, it’s still not quite as terrifying as that, as that moment. And I wonder whether that resonates for you as well with this, you’ve, you know, you’ve grown the audience that you’ve talked to, you know, you’ve spoken to over the years, you’ve been a lecturer as well, haven’t you at university.

Lauren Parsons 13:09
For the New Zealand College of Fitness, yeah I ended up teaching anatomy, physiology, nutrition, personal training, human performance. And actually, I wasn’t, my job title wasn’t lecturer, actually I was what was called a Presenter of Fun and Laughter! So it was literally on my name badge, Lauren, Laid-Back Lauren, Presenter of Fun and Laughter, and everyone had these double-title names, you know, you might have been Groovy Gary, or something like that! We all had these really fun names. And we had to teach you know all the, all the muscles in the body, all the bones in the body through song and dance and lots of really advanced anchoring techniques for adult learners, because it was this tertiary training programme. And it can be pretty heavy going learning anatomy and physiology. So we were taught in this very unique style. And that, again, has formed what I do now, you know a lot of what I do is, it’s all adult learning. And, and I have a really unique approach because I was taught when I was at the College of Fitness, how to present in a way that really engages the brain, you know, for example, we’d never leave our students sitting for longer than 20 minutes, we’d be getting people up and you’ve just, I noticed Gary, I’m very thankful that you said you watched my TED talk earlier, and those that watch it, you’ll see that halfway through, I get the whole audience up and moving and hopefully, if you watch it from home, you’ll get up and move as well because it’s about what you can experience in your body. When you do that, that will unlock you know the understanding level in terms of what your, what you experience shifts your understanding of what you’re actually hearing.

Gary Crotaz 14:35
I’m very interested because you, because you present in a lot of different formats, you present on stage, you present in the classroom, you present online. And you’ve talked about you know, for you inside, it doesn’t, you don’t always feel confident, you don’t always feel, you know, and I think we’re all like this, you know, the the mask we put on to other people is not necessarily the same as what it feels like in our own head. So what do you do just before the little red light goes on top of the camera or just before somebody gives you the cue to start your speech on stage? What are you doing, to get yourself, your game face on, to get ready to go out there and give that presentation?

Lauren Parsons 15:14
Hm, well again, Amy Cuddy comes to mind. I don’t know if you’re familiar with her TED Talk. It’s one of the most watched TED Talks. And she talks about what people often now call power posing, or holding expansive postures. So standing with your feet firmly underneath your hips, and having your hands on your hips and your belt buckle forward, or even lifting your arms up in a V. On adopting these sort of expansive postures shifts how you feel, because what you do with your body’s physiology instantly affects your psychology. So for example, Gary, when I was at the back of the stage before my TED Talk, which was exhilarating but also terrifying, because you know, your time, there’s this countdown timer going, and you only get one shot at it. And, you know, I was thinking, Oh, my goodness, I really want this to be good. I want this to come across well, so I was in the wings and I was standing, feet firmly planted, hands on my hips, and I was actually alternating between hands on my hips and arms raised, focusing on breathing deeply, and diaphragmatically, which helps to shift our body’s physiology, you know, from the red zone, the fight or flight zone into the blue, calm and parasympathetic side of the nervous system, which is where you want to be to make great decisions, for example, and to go out and perform at your best. So a couple of things yeah that I do, I focus on what I’m doing with my posture, my breathing. And I also just picture it going really well. And also think about how I want to show up. So I sort of try and shake out any stress or tension. And just think about, you know, I just want to have fun today, I want to be real. And I want to connect with the audience. I actually got to speak at my own daughter’s school to their teachers, which was amazing. And oh it was just such a privilege to speak to these people who have so much love and respect for, and who are investing in my kids’ lives. But I felt this pressure that, oh, I have to deliver. And so I just I, you know, they asked me as I arrived, How you’re doing and I said, Oh, I feel great. I’m so excited. I’m also quite nervous. So one thing I’ve learned is it’s really good to be honest about our emotions and how we feel as well. Because the more we can label our emotions, the more that we allow some of those tricky or curly emotions to actually dissipate.

Gary Crotaz 17:35
And do you think there’s, there’s, there’s something about labelling positively?

Lauren Parsons 17:40
Yes. So we were talking about this in the session actually as we were talking about stress and our perception of stress. So I could either say, Oh, I’m feeling really nervous right now. Or, I’m feeling really excited! And you know, people talk about get those butterflies to fly in formation, the way that you frame up your body’s physical stress response and that physiological response of your heart and, heart rate increasing and you’re breathing deeper, things like that. If you see that as positive, there’s studies that show that that then means that you won’t suffer from the negative, the downsides of stress, you’ll actually reap the benefits of what’s called eustress, which is good stress. So I think setting an intention, one thing I do every morning is set positive intention, for how do I want to be today, how do I want to feel today? Do I want to be confident, or playful, or flexible, or open-minded, or courageous, or whatever the thing is, depending on what I’ve got on for the day, so I recommend in the morning, while you have a stretch, some part of your morning routine, think about how do you want to show up for the day and set that positive intention.

Gary Crotaz 18:46
And you know what’s so interesting for me is hearing that flow of the narrative from when you started out where you’re saying, when you’re at school, people were labelling you and placing you in a, in a negative headspace, by, by, by calling you shy. And now you’re turning that same sort of mental model around to say, Well, I can turn that to my advantage because I can create a way of thinking about myself that is, that is positive. And actually the, the mechanism by which that happens is exactly the same, it’s just using using a positive intent to do it. And that’s really powerful.

Lauren Parsons 19:24
Absolutely.

Gary Crotaz 19:25
So, so when you think now, when you think back through, through this journey that you’ve been on, what, what, what was the impact do you think on you and on others of finding this positive mindset and, and positive attitude to life that you’ve, you’ve now embodied in all the work that you’re doing?

Lauren Parsons 19:45
Well it’s a huge blessing to me personally, and hopefully, you know, my goal was always to create a positive ripple in the world. That’s what my logo and all those things are about. That, you know, someone that comes along and hears me speak, if there’s one thing they can take away if they can apply that in their own lives, that that will have a positive ripple out to others. And I just want to say as well, like I’m just standing on the shoulders of giants, there’s so many things that I’ve learned from others, there’s so many incredible books and podcasts and TED talks out there. And I just am a huge fan of lifelong learning, have a big growth mindset. So I think there’s always more we can learn. And I’m always learning more about myself and my own challenges and things that I need to work on. But I think one thing is absolutely true. And that is that our mindset does determine the direction of our life. And, and I can’t recall who said it to me, but somewhere in my early part of my life, someone must have instilled in me the belief that if you persevere that you can make anything happen. And as I say, I wish I had someone I could thank for that. But I don’t know where exactly that came from. But one thing I’ve always tried to do is just take the steps outside of my comfort zone, trusting and knowing that as you do that, each time you do your comfort zone is just going to get bigger and bigger, it doesn’t shrink in around you as you as you step out, it just expands. And so you know, to anyone that’s listening in, if there’s something that you’ve been thinking that perhaps you want to do, just like me looking into that sports hall. And it’s interesting, Gary, because the questions that you’re asking me are really insightful, because it’s helping me reflect on it, you just got to take that step, you know, you’ve got to put your foot in, you’ve got to take that one step. And then trust that your comfort zone is going to expand. And as it does, you’ll be better as a person. And you’ll be able to have more of a positive impact on those around you.

Gary Crotaz 21:38
And what’s interesting is, I think I observe, that you’ve had multiple steps. So you took the step from outside the aerobics hall into the aerobics hall, then you took the step from the aerobics group to the instructor role. Then one day, you took the step onto the TEDx stage. You didn’t need to make any of those steps. But each time you’ve not been finished there, you’ve not gone, OK I’m in the room. I’m in the back row, I’m doing the aerobics, that’s all great. This is me. You’ve then gone, This will go somewhere more. And I think that, that sort of continuous development is very interesting to hear. I can kind of hear it in your psyche as you’re, as you’re talking through.

Lauren Parsons 22:21
And I think being forced, being a military wife, where you end up being moved around from location to location, and for me that was totally foreign, because my mum and dad still live in the same family home that I grew up in. My husband moved around a lot when he was a kid. But for me, that was quite a foreign concept, to constantly be uprooted and moved. But I’ve discovered that I do love reconnecting and making new friends and connecting with people, we’ve had to start and build friend networks over and over again. And, and there’s actually a lot of joy in that, there is sorrow as well when you leave them behind. But there’s been a lot of joy along the way. And I haven’t always known what’s come up next. But I guess what’s been great for me is over the last, what has it been, 15 years that I’ve run my own business, I’ve been able to direct where I want to go myself, which is again a huge, huge privilege. And I know for you, Gary as well, you had to make that decision didn’t you, to step out from one path and change direction. And I think the more that people can, yeah, it sounds a little bit blase I know, but follow your heart. And by that I mean, follow what you think is actually going to bring you joy right now, because we do only get to live once. This is it! And we’ve just got to make the most of it!

Gary Crotaz 23:36
It’s a really powerful message, it’s a simple one and lots of people say it, more than people maybe listen to it. But yeah, it’s interesting. And you know, you were talking about that path and following your heart. And then what you said just now is, you know, you don’t necessarily know what’s going to happen next. So, you know, as we sit here in 2022, and you look ahead, do you have this big vision of where you want this all to land in 20 or 30 years time? Or, you know, do you, do you have any idea of what the, sort of, the next year or two ahead is for you? Or, or do you think it’s, it’s, it’s a blank sheet of paper and you’re looking forward to filling it in as you go?

Lauren Parsons 24:15
Well, it’s, it’s both actually. So yes and no. I am a big believer in planning. My husband and I many years ago, we did like a spreadsheet and we ended up calling it the Freaky Master Plan and, oh my God, I’m like, I’m just revealing all of my deepest secrets here today, sharing things I’ve never shared. But we do, we had this spreadsheet called the Freaky Master Plan. And this was before we had kids. And we put in there our goals around when we wanted to have kids, what we wanted their income to be, when we wanted to buy our family home and things like that. And it is quite, it is freaky actually Gary, looking back on it, because all of those things that we had as goals pretty much have all happened or we’ve far exceeded them, which has been quite extraordinary. So when I cast my mind forward, like I believe in having, you know, have a vision for your life and a vision for your business. So one of, part of my vision is to help a thousand organisations and a million people to boost their health, happiness and productivity. And so a while ago, my business coach said to me, So how many of you helped? And I said, Excuse me? And she said, So how many businesses have you helped, Lauren? And I said, Oh, I don’t know! Because I just like, I’d written it as a vision statement, I hadn’t really thought of how I was going to measure it. But now I am measuring it. So now I know exactly where I’m at. And, you know, we’re almost 20% of the way to helping those thousand businesses. And so yeah, so I guess, when I say yes and no, yes there are some specific goals, and I think that is so important, because it draws us towards them, and it helps us realise what’s possible, and when we put a timeframe on it it’s much more likely to happen, and when we share it with others, as well. But also, I’m open to seeing how things evolve and what comes from it. There’s a few short-term things I know I’m writing a book this year, I’ve got a deadline for that. But I don’t know what my key focus for next year will be yet. And so a lot of it is, it’s like when you climb the ladder, and as they say, focus on the next rung, and then the next rung after that. Because sometimes we look all the way at the top of the ladder, it can be a little bit daunting. So I have loose and broad goals over the long term. But specific and measurable goals over the short term as well. And just, yeah, enjoy the ride in between.

Gary Crotaz 26:29
Amazing. Can you give us any secret sneak previews of the book? What it’s about?

Lauren Parsons 26:34
Oh, yes, oh I could do, yes. It’s very early stages. But essentially, the book is all about how to thrive personally as a leader, and how to cultivate a great workplace environment that your team will thrive. So yes, it’s focused around workplace wellbeing, focused for leaders, team leaders, right up to CEOs, but also relevant for anyone that wants to boost their health and wellbeing, and also for their colleagues and workplace.

Gary Crotaz 27:02
It’s a big part of my coaching philosophy with The IDEA Mindset is this idea of an Irreversible Commitment. And when my book started out, the first thing I did was I posted to LinkedIn to everybody to say, I’m going to write a book. And once I posted that, and about, because people forwarded it and shared it and things, about 25,000 people saw it. And I was like, I’ve really got to write it now. Because I’ve told people, so, so I know you’re going to finish your book now because you’ve told all my listeners that you’re going to do it!

Lauren Parsons 27:28
And actually this is the first time I’ve talked about it, I actually haven’t done it yet, Gary, I’ve, I’ve told a few people, I’ve I’ve shoulder-tapped some people that I’m interviewing as part of my research, but I haven’t publicly announced it yet. So this is… that encourages me and spurs me on to do that. So I shall do that myself as well. Thank you Gary!

Gary Crotaz 27:48
And where can people find out more about you and the work that you do and some of the things that you’ve, you’ve published and put out there?

Lauren Parsons 27:55
Well, you’re very welcome to head to LaurenParsonsWellbeing.com. And yeah, you’re very welcome. I’ve got a book that I wrote, that’s called Five Keys to a Positive, Energised, High-Performance Culture. And essentially that’s, it’s like the 20-page version of the book that I’m now writing in full. So it’s like the concise overview, if you love checklists, that will be really helpful for you to get ideas around boosting your wellbeing and also in your workplace. So yeah, there’s tonnes of articles there. And also, if you love podcasts, feel free to tune in to ThriveTVShow.com to check out my Thrive TV Show podcast and you’ll be able to listen to Gary’s episode on there as well!

Gary Crotaz 28:34
Fantastic. I’ve listened to many episodes and you do really great content there, I love it. So thank you so much, Lauren. The Unlock Moment is that flash of remarkable clarity when you suddenly know the right path ahead. For Lauren, it was deciding to train as an aerobics instructor having been the shy, un-sporty kid at school. It created a huge identity change and sparked a lifelong passion for helping others to boost their wellbeing and confidence by unlocking the power of movement, health and energy. There’s a shy un-sporty kid in all of us and Lauren, you’ve really demonstrated how you can throw off the shackles, find your confident self and make an impact on others. It’s been an absolute delight. Lauren, thank you so much for joining me on The Unlock Moment.

Lauren Parsons 29:17
Thank you Gary so much, such a pleasure to share with you.

Gary Crotaz 29:22
This has been The Unlock Moment, a podcast with me Dr. Gary Crotaz. Thank you for listening in. You can find out more about how to figure out what you want and how to get it in my book, The IDEA Mindset, available in physical book, ebook and audiobook format. Follow me on Instagram, and subscribe to this podcast to get notified about future episodes. Join me again soon!